I hate not knowing what I feel,  what I AM thinking, or the emotions that are driving ME. I hate that feeling with a passion. My feeling for Jeff are leaving me confused, and feeling somewhat broken, and hurt by not knowing how I really feel for him. I think a pain above all others is not really knowing, or understanding ones own emotions. It really scares me to feel so very lost, I am so used to feeling that I know myself fairly well. But now I'm just never sure on anything. I find myself questioning my very existance, and that of others as well. What if this life, my experiences, my thoughts, and everything around me are just very elaborate figments of my imagination? What if life is just a way of filling an infinate obise of empty space? What if it is a dream to keep me occupied? Maybe everything that I have come to know is nothing. Everything is nothing. You're not real, neither am I. Maybe my mind, my being. But nothing is really there, not physically anyhow. It is all in my head. This is sort of my little theory on life, how things really are, at least to me. You are in my head, therefore, you are. Yes, that sums things up quite nicely. Maybe you are all in my head, maybe I am just concieted enough to think that you are.  I don't know, maybe I never will. It's interesting to ponder on however. Maybe if I could bring myself to a point where I had enough power over my mind, I could change my realities. I often wonder how I could ever know. It is fun to think that changing ones past, present, and future could be as simple as learning to control ones thoughts. If only it were that easy. But I have to go. XoXo. Bye.
Love always and forever,
Heather

I have nothing really to say, I just want to write, we'll call it venting. I dropped off the last of my bank crap to my mothers house last night, and she still won't talk to me. I makes me kinda sad, but at the same time, I really don't want anything to do with her anyhow. Actually, no... I'm lieing. I love my mother to death, and it hurts me that she won't just let me love her without giving me so many reasons not to. I guess that I should just accept the fact that my mother and I will never have much of a relationship and let it go at that, but it's really hard. I'm dumb for letting it bother me so much, and everything that I am even saying is completely pointless, just rambling. It's nothing that should matter of bother me, it just makes me so very unhappy. I feel that maybe if I write about it then I will feel better eventually. It's not happening. So I'm gonna go now. XoXo. Bye.
Love always and forever,
Heather

P.S. Trevor is moving to Colorado TODAY!! It makes me so sad, he is one of the most amazing, wonderful people I have ever met. He is beautiful from the inside out, and I don't know what we are going to do without him. I will miss him so, so much. I wish that he could stay, but things will be better for him where he is going. He will be happier, and he'll start his life. I wish I had his motivation, and his determination. He is amazing to me. I will miss him a ton.

Oh baby, a lot happened over the weekend. I bounced some checks, got in a ton of trouble and Jeff saved my ass (and my life, I was so damn depressed) by lending me over 200$. Oh man, can we say... STRESS?!?! I almost couldn't find a reason to live any longer, I was freaking out. So my aunt went off on how I'm a disapointment to my family, and how I'm nothing but I lier and a cheat, and a dumb little slut (always with the whole slut thing). So my family disowned me this weekend. FUCK, my family sucks. The rest of my weekend was really great however. I went to church:), which was so fun, I love church, it makes me happy. And Jeff and I had spent a lot of time together. And I have some very freaky, random, out of the blue news!! Are you ready for this?!... I don't think you are, but here I go anyways... I think that I'm beginning to fall in love with Jeff. I don't want to. But it seems that the more we experience together the more I begin to care for him. I mean, we still have out problems, but I really think that I am. It really scares me, and I don't want to feel this way for anyone right now, maybe not even ever. It scares me soo much!! But then we look at my little theory on life and we realize that none of it is real anyhow. Nothing about life is real, it's all just in my head (which also doesn't exist). You would have to understand me to understand that at all, so don't even try. It would take WAAAYYY to long to explain, and it's something you would need to come to understand on your own anyhow. Besides even if I explained it you wouldn't understand. People are too simple minded, even I am too simple minded. But I have to go, I'm with my friends and I hate writing in my journal when other people are around. I'll write later. XoXo. Bye.
Love always and forever,

Have you ever just wanted to cry for reasons that you simply can't understand? You know what I mean. When you know that something is wrong, but you just can't bring your emotions to surface themselves. So you pretend that nothing is wrong, atleast until you can fully understand for yourself why you feel this way. It's a horrible feeling, I hate feeling this way, but I can't even begin to know how to make it go away. It's like there's something pushed far back in my mind and my memories, my remebrances, that will haunt my thoughts until I can no longer take it. And when I can take it no longer, I will let this feeling take over, and it will push me to maddness. It will push me into unexplainable insanity. Sometimes I wonder if I am the only person that feels this, or is it something that everyone must endure at one point or another? I don't know what to think anymore, maybe I AM crazy. If I hate myself to the point that I wake up some mornings, and can't find a single reason to go on other than the hope that I will wake tomorrow, and understand why I hate myself so.... does that make me insane? Or does that make me your average teenager? Why do I feel this way? And how can I make it stop? Do I hide these feelings well, or is it completely odvious? At this moment I wish for nothing more than to understand these emotions. When I feel this way I just want to hide myself in the darkest shadows, in the most hidden corners, and cry until I cannot force myself to shed another tear. I hate this feeling, It makes me hate myself. It makes having to deal with me all day almost unbearable. Oh, I am a whiney little brat. So many people have problems that make my shallow emotions seem so very insignificant, and despite knowing that, I can still find the nerve to complain. Oh, I am a horribly selfish individual. I have to go. XoXo. Bye.
Love always and forever,
Heather

what the fuck, last night Jeff and I went out to have a little talk when I was staying at my moms house. We ended up parking in the church parking lot to talk in the back seat like we usually do. Some asshole ended up calling the police complaining about us being there, and the polise showed up and were being total dicks. The first thing that they did was ask us how old we are, we told then, I'm seventeen, he's eighteen. Well from that they ended up with I'm sixteen, he's nineteen, and we aere having sex in the back of his Rodeo. Just before we had left my house my mither went off on us on how we're to young to be having sex with each other. What the FUCK? I swear, I must just scream slut. Anyways, they started yelling at Jeff and telling him that he should go to jail, and then when he tried to tell them what was really happening, they yelled at him more and told him that he was "back talking", and that if he didn't shut-up he could get arrested for that too. BULLSHIT!! Then I was sitting there in a blanket and they said that because I was in a blanket that I wasn't wearing any pants. Well, I told them that I was, then I stood up and spun a lttle, and they said that I was back talking too. I was being completely nice to them. So anyways, they ended up calling my mother, who asked that Jeffery bring me home, because we all needed to "talk". Fuck! The second that we walked through the door she went offon how disapointed she was with me, and "how did I turn out like this when she had worked so hard to raise me right?". We never even got a chance to tell her what had really happened. Jeff tried to talk to her, and see what he could do to make it better. She that he "had alreasy screwed everything up" and she doesn't want to fix wit with him. BITCH. Then she went upstairs and pretended to cry to make me feel badly about it, and i did feel badly, I always do. Now I'm just a little irritated with the whole situation. So now I have to go to court with a curfew ticket, and my mother will tell my family her side of what happened (she shouldn't even have a side, it doesn't even involve her. But she will have a side, BITCH), and they will look at me as even more of a slut. They can all go fuck themselves. I'm so sick and tired of my judgemental, mean family. I hate that I have to admit to being a part of their whole mess. I just hate it. Well thank god that I don't have to see them everyday anymore. Anyways, I ended up with a curfew ticket, and Jeff got one for contributing to a minor for keeping me out past curfew. The police tend to abuse their power A LOT. Yesterday was a prime example of this. They twisted my story to get me in more trouble with my mother. And then gave out tickets that weren't really necessary. I tink that power hungrey people become police officers so that they can feel that they have more control ver people's lives. Well, in my eyes that can all fucking burn. I have to go, I'm really irritated and this isn't helping any. XoXo. Bye.
Love always and forever,
Heather

Jeff took me to lunch before dropping me off at school. We actually had a lot of fun, and he never even said anything about my friends(he usually does). We talked a lot and spent a happy little hour just laughing and terrorizing Steve Taylor. It was so much fun. They make me laugh when they are together. They have such opposite personalities, but get along so well. Which really confuses me, because I am sort of like Steve in a lot of ways, and all Jeffrey and I ever do is fight. Except for today, everything was great today, we just spent time together like we used to before everything got all screwed up. It seems to me that he is trying harder to do better so I will give him a chance. I guess we will see how things turn out. Hopefully good, but it's doubtful that this change will last long. Anyways, I'm gonna go. XoXo. Bye.
Love always and forever,
Heather

Jeff is upset with me again. FUCK. He is always fucking pissed at me for some fucked up reason or another. IT MAKES ME ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS!! He says he cares so very much for me, but then he spends all of his time annoyed by the way that I am. I don't want to change who I am for him. If it bothers him that I have a flirtatious personality, fuck him. If he just can't deal with the fact that I like girls, then fuck him. If he can't just learn to care for me the way I am rather than the way that he wants me to be, then fuck him. I'm sick of trying to be something that I'm not just to make him happy. I'm not trying to say that he's an awful person or anything of that nature. He's a wonderful person, but I just don't think that we're right for each other. I think that by staying together we are selfishly wasting our time and our sanity(as if I have any to spare) on something that WILL NOT last. We are dragging each other down. He makes me depressed, I make him "irritated". But at the same time, I could never break up with him, I would never be able to live with myself if I hurt him. So I will sit here, and wait for us to fight again. I won't have to wait long, then when we fight, I will tell him that it isn't going to work, and it will end. Oh, I feel just awful when I say things like that. I really do. I don't want to feel like that towards him, I want to care for him as much as he says he does for me. He says all the time that he cares SO much, but his fighting with me all the time really contridicts everything that he says. You would think that if he felt that strongly for me that he would be more willing to accept the person that I really am, rather than something that he can mold into his perfect significant other. I mean, I care for him, I really do. So much that you probably couldn't understand, but we aren't good for each other. I hate this whole situation, I wish that we could resolve our differences without compromising who we are, but it seems that we never will. Oh well, I'll figure something out, I don't want to think about it anymore. XoXo. Bye.
Love always and forever,
Heather

Well today has been completely uneventful. SOOOOOOOOOOOO boring that I could die. We ended up sleeping at Jeffs house last night, more trouble than it was worth. I've come to realize that Jeffrey is quite sexually driven, and it seems that he has little respect for the fact that I'm not. It's frustrating. Oh well, but yeah, Crystal and Sara stayed at Jeffs house also and Schuler was PISSED that Crystal ended up sleeping in his bed with him. I guess that he was like trying to suck on her neck in his sleep, and when he woke up and found out about it, he's was COMPLETELY disgusted. He told us that we aren't aloud to bring her to his apartment overnight again. It kinda makes me laugh. Crystal really frustrates me. I mean, she's generally a decent individual, but she is ALWAYS talking so much crap about Steven and his relationships. For instance, last night she was talking about how she was sure that Steve and Brittany would probably have a very sexual relationship, because apperently Steven is very sexual. Then she had me read over these papers that were supposed to descride Steve's aura and personality. THEY WERE SO TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY BULLSHIT!! None of it was true. She tries to make it seem that Steve is an absolute sex addict. And I KNOW that he isn't, so I don't quite understand why she wastes her time trying to make me think that he is such a horrible person. My opinion of Steven isn't going to change no matter what crap she tries to feed me. I hold Steven at a very high level of respect. Grrr.... She just needs to get over Steve and move on, and stop talking so much shit about him and every other girl that he gets close to. It IS possible for him to care for someone other that Crystal, and I don't see why she can't understand that. I don't see why it's great for her to have a new boyfriend, but he can't date and try to be happy with someone else. But you know what, I should really just shut-up about that, because it really isn't my business. I just can't stand it when people are talking trash on people I care about. It is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves. Anyways, hmmmm...... what other things are really on my mind right now? Oh yeah, I'm getting sick again. I passed out last night at Jeff's house, and woke up feeling very weak and very dizzy. And my chest has hurt A LOT lately. I don't think that anyone is really noticing that there's a problem, which is good, but is it get's much worse I'm afraid that people are going to start to notice, and worry. I really don't want that, so I MIGHT just go to the doctor. I really don't want to get sick again. I tired of trying to hide it from people!! It's exausting. But I should go. I promised Jeff that I would call him soon, and I want to try to get ahold of Steve. Today is the first day that I have gone without seeing him since the very first time we hung out. We've spent time together everyday for like two and a half weeks and I don't want to break our amazing record : )!! But yeah, I'm going now. XoXo. Bye.

oh boy... I am so tired today, but at the same time..... I am so very wide awake. To tired to want to do anything, but still to awake to sleep, so I am writing in my journal. Sadness. Oh well, anyhow, Jeff got back today. It kinda frustrates me in a sad sense. I think it's probably a really bad sign that I don't want him here. With him being my boyfriend and all, I think I should want to spent all the time I can with him. Oh well, maybe I will get over it. I hope that I do. I really care about him a lot, but when he's here I never feel like I can really be myself. I don't like having to be more mellow, and less friendly to people when I'm with Jeff. And when I'm with him, I never feel like I can tell him anything about my life, or my friends, or anything, because when he hears about a lot of it he freaks out and we get in fights. I would just break up with him, but I really don't want to hurt him, and I'm starting to feel a lot more for him. I feel like we're both being very selfish by staying in a relationship, because we will only hurt each other more later. I'm setting myself up for heartache, I just know it. I am just to immature to want to do anything about it. Oh man oh man, It seems like everyone around me is finding their perfect match, and being completely happy together except for me. There's Brittany and Steven (the only couple on earth who has EVER made me jealous), then there's Aaron and Camilla, and Sara and Robert are going to date later on, and then there's Jeff and I, and we have a lot of great times together, but then we fight SO MUCH!! I just don't know whether or not I feel that the good times outweigh the bad. Like I know that tonight he is going to be upset with me because I was gone with Steve a lot longer than I thought that I was going to be. Oh baby, I put myself into some of the stupidest situations. I think that I spend way to much time thinking about my promblems with Jeff and not enough time thinking about the more important aspects of my life. Hmm... Yeah, that would be good!! So, I'm gonna go now, and try to think about other things. I feel as if I'm beginning to sound very pathetic. I'll write later. XoXo. Bye.
Love always and forever,
Heather

oh... good for me, I finally got a adiary thingamabobber that I actually like. It makes me happy(*smiles*), and leaves me very content with life and peoples and such. Well, yes, anyhow, now that I have a journal that makes me just oh so very happy, I will actually write about the things that are happening im my life. Number one:
I have this boyfriend, you see, who has a problem with all of my friends and is just convinced that I am cheating on him... I'm not. And I won't. Not ever. Ah... I know what you're thinking... Why doesn't she just dump the bastard? Well, if it was any other guy I would. I mean, I'm not just some dumb blonde who will just let people trample all over me. I have been in the past, but not now. But anyhow, I just can't dump Jeff, I care to much about him, even though I know that it isn't going to last long between us, I love being with him while I can. I really do. So there's current issue number one.
Ah.. now for number two:
You see there are these two people, one boy, one girl. And I like them both in that oh so special kind of way. Steve is an amazing individual and he makes me laugh, and makes me happy no matter what is going on in my life. And I find him very attractive. And you see it's the same, it's the same with Brittany. She is absolutely beautiful. Jeff didn't used to mind if I kissed GIRLS while I was dating him, but with Brittany it suddenly bothers him. But Steve and Brittany started dating after they both told me that they both thought I was aamazing and beautiful, and that they wanted to date me. They both say that they still like me, but it kinda makes me sad that BOTH of them are taken now!! Pathetic aren't I. Oh well, we get hurt, then we learn to deal, it's part of living!! And well that was current issue number two. Ah, not such awful issues, I know a lot of people with a lot harder of issues to deal with. SO I'm pretty well set. But yeah these are the pathetic little complaints I have that are so dier that I need a new jounal just to get through them in one piece. How sad. Oh well, I'll recover. But I have to go, I'm supposed to be doing school work now. XoXo. Bye.
Love always and forever,
Heather