I can never write anymore. No journal site at school, it sucks, yes, I know. Well, I have no really big news. Not pregnant, good good thing. I still hate my damn perwiod though. Blah, I have no time to write tonight. It suck, another time I suppose. Stupid time, and school internet getting all bitchy. Grr... I must go, I have to go to a family dinner with Jeff. XoXo. Bye.
Love always and forever,
Heather

wow... a lot has happened and they blocked my damn journal site at the school (fuckers). Here is a summary, we'll try to keep it short and sweet!!
1. My mother want me to go back to the hostpital, dumb bitch.
2. I think I might be pregnant (eek)!!
3. Sara is a poser, and she's pissing me off!!! Grr, she steals my style AND my personality.
4. Jeff always talks about how he wants top marry me later, and it doesn't bother me, it used to, but I can see myself with him now.
5. I have 24 jelly beans in the jelly bean jar. (*nudge, nudge*) (*wink, wink*) (only those who matter in the least will understand completely)
6. I found this kick ass skirt, that I absolutely MUST have, so I am going to sell some of my old clothes at this used clothing store so I can buy it tonight. (Yipee)

oh man... my big thing... hehe, it's not something that most would expect from me, but here goes. Prepare yourself for shock(atleast I hope you would be shocked). Jeff and I had sex, but I personally don't consider it sex. We made love. That may sound cheesy, but that's honestly how I feel. You know, I always thought I would feel just awful when I lost my virginity, but I don't. It felt so right. I can see myself spending my forever with him. He makes me so happy that I cry. I have never cried because I was so HAPPY to be with someone before.  I love him, I honestly do. More that I could ever express with words. He was a virgin too. He was saving it for the one that he felt he would love forever. So when neither of us could fully express our feelings for each other, we showed each other. It seems so very right. I could never begin to tell you. I just know that he is the one that I am destined to be with. I KNOW it. I have never been so sure of anything in my life. Hehe... when I came home the next day, Sara said I looked different. When I told he what had happened, she was SO happy. She was so proud of herself for noticing. She said that I seemed to glow. Sunday we went to visit one of my old Young Womens leaders and even she said that I glow, and seem happier than she has ever seen me. She says that she can't quite put her finger on it, but there is definately a positive change. Hmmm.... I wouldn't have expected that from my Young Womens leader. But I am happy that there is a noticable positive change. It must be right, or wouldn't it be a negative change? I don't know, but I'm happy. Happier than I have been in a LONG while. I can't ever remember feeling so safe. I love him so much. But I have to go, I have a doctors appointment. XoXo. Bye.
Love always and forever,
Heather

um... hmmm.... where to start. Well i don't have a whole lot of time right now, so I'll just summerize the last week and a half. I cut DEEP, went into the Psych ward at the hostpital, got out, and um.. something else that will require more time and more depth. I will explain on Tuesday. Until then... I just thought I would write to inform those of you who read my journal, that I am... in fact... still alive. I have to go however. Until Tuesday... farewell. XoXo. Bye.
Love always and forever,
Heather

Days of absence / sad and dreary /

I feel so awful. I have for like forever, but I just ignore it, hoping that, in time, it will pass. But it doesn't. It sits patiently, in the back of my thoughts and the pit of my stomach, just waiting for everything to be just perfect, so that it can crush me when the time feels right. It's like I know that something awful is going to happen, something that is going to send me and those that I care so deeply for spiraling into a dark obise of sorrow and emptiness. I don't want for this to happen, and I don't know what to do to make this empty feeling leave me. I want to be happy, and I want to stay that way. It is worthless to live if all you do is hurt yourself and those that you care for, and that, in turn, care for you. Those of you that read my journal, you know who you are, and you know that I love you. Just know that no matter what I do, I don't ever mean to hurt you. Please forgive me for the selfishness of my actions. And forgive my thoughtless ways. And listen to me when I tell you that you are amazing people, and you have done more for me than you could ever know. I could never fully express to you my gratitude. And if you ever need me, for anything, I will be there for you, regaurdless. I love you all, and I'm sorry that I seem so off lately. I'm trying to make it better however. I will make it better, just give me time. I have to go. XoXo. Bye. Love always and forever, Heather

Ok, well I had just written this long journal entry, then it mysteriously disapeared, honest. Oh well, the basic idea was that I saw my brother this weeqkend, and it was a ton of fun. I love him to pieces, he is the cutest thing. Then I talked a little about how much I love Jeff. Which is such a good thing, then the stupid thing deleted ITSELF. I give up, I'm not retyping my journal entries. Grrr.... I have to go. XoXo. Bye.
Love always and forever,
Heather

I cut myself again this morning. It feels good, it makes me feel better. It's as if I can bleed out my pain. And there is so much pain. I know that I really have nothing that I should complain about, but I still hurt. My mother called this morning, she sounded so cold and emotionless. It tears me apart to see her hurting like she does. I just wish that she wouldn't take it out on me, however much I know that I deserve every last insult. I deserve it, I haven't been what she wanted, or what she deserved to have as a daughter. I guess that as long as I am taking her pain, it is a good thing, but I don't know how long I can try to carry her pain, as well as my own. I feel like such a whiney little brat right now. And don't think that I don't KNOW how selfish I am being, I just don't care right now. Oh, have you ever wanted so much to end everything even though you know that it won't solve anything? You know even after all the researching that I have been doing on Self-Injurous Behaviors I still can't seem to understand why I am doing it. But I know that it helps ME PERSONALLY. It does, it makes me numb to all emotion, all I can feel is the sting of a bitter cold blade slicing through me, cutting away at my pain. One of he things that I read is that it is easier to handle physical pain than it is to deal with emotional pain. That is so true, it is SO very true. I know that no one quite understands why I can injure myself, or how it could ever help. But I am not expecting you too. I'm sorry to any of you who made the mistake of caring for me, I'm sorry if this hurts you or worries you. I'm sorry that I can't stop doing it FOR YOU. I have to stop for ME, when I can deal with my emotions. That may be soon, but more likely, it may take a long time. So I'm sorry if I hurt you, but I have to get better on my own. I have to go however, I have a lot of work I have to do. XoXo. Bye.
Love always and forever,
Heather

I am really, really bored. I am writing in my journal pointlessly to take up your time and my energy. Hahaha, aren't I just am evil little one. I have been doing a whole lot of research on cutting and self-injurous behavior. So I have been sitting here all day, every day, doing absolutely nothing except reading countless pages on why people cut themselves into tiny little bits. it's really interesting actually. I enjoy learning anything havingto do with psychology. It really interests me, especially the things that struggle with or have struggled with in the past. I guess I kind of do it in an attemp to better understand myself. But also because I really do enjoy it. Oh, I talked my counselor today, he really is a nice guy. And you will never guess. He's my little brother's counselor too!! He said that he would tell my little Benny-babe that I love him, and miss him and wanna hug and kiss him. Oh.... I miss him soooo much. But my mother won't let me talk to him. I think that she thinks that I am going to turn him into a little hellian. I really wish that I could see him. I would do anything to spend some time with him. Oh, as soon as he even mentioned Ben I started to cry, I rarely cry, but my baby brother is a sensetive issue for me. I miss him, I love him so much. He was like my best bud. Now I am just rambling, but when you think about it my point was to waste all of your time, so I have succeeded now haven't I? Well, I have to go anyhow, I still have work to do. I will write more later. XoXo. Bye.
Love always and forever,
Heather