I cut myself again this morning. It feels good, it makes me feel better. It's as if I can bleed out my pain. And there is so much pain. I know that I really have nothing that I should complain about, but I still hurt. My mother called this morning, she sounded so cold and emotionless. It tears me apart to see her hurting like she does. I just wish that she wouldn't take it out on me, however much I know that I deserve every last insult. I deserve it, I haven't been what she wanted, or what she deserved to have as a daughter. I guess that as long as I am taking her pain, it is a good thing, but I don't know how long I can try to carry her pain, as well as my own. I feel like such a whiney little brat right now. And don't think that I don't KNOW how selfish I am being, I just don't care right now. Oh, have you ever wanted so much to end everything even though you know that it won't solve anything? You know even after all the researching that I have been doing on Self-Injurous Behaviors I still can't seem to understand why I am doing it. But I know that it helps ME PERSONALLY. It does, it makes me numb to all emotion, all I can feel is the sting of a bitter cold blade slicing through me, cutting away at my pain. One of he things that I read is that it is easier to handle physical pain than it is to deal with emotional pain. That is so true, it is SO very true. I know that no one quite understands why I can injure myself, or how it could ever help. But I am not expecting you too. I'm sorry to any of you who made the mistake of caring for me, I'm sorry if this hurts you or worries you. I'm sorry that I can't stop doing it FOR YOU. I have to stop for ME, when I can deal with my emotions. That may be soon, but more likely, it may take a long time. So I'm sorry if I hurt you, but I have to get better on my own. I have to go however, I have a lot of work I have to do. XoXo. Bye.
Love always and forever,
Heather