Do the things that one knowingly does make them crazy? I don't think so, but others do. Do the things that I do make me crazy? I would certainly hope not, but sometimes I wonder. If someone cuts themselves, does it mean that they are hurting, or that they hate themselves?.... or does it mean both? God it sucks to hurt yourself, but REALLY not be able to control yourself. Especially when no one else can see it that way. Everytime I cut myself my friends tell me that I need to stop. But they never seem to understand that I completely LOOSE CONTROL when I do it. They don't take the time to see that I don't mean to hurt myself, or that I want to stop. Maybe I just don't want to stop badly enough. When I do, I will. But now I don't. It helps me. It really does. And I've decided that I'm NOT going to stop for them. I will stop for me. But ONLY when I feel that I am completely ready to stop. Until then, I wish there was some way that I could help them to understand. I keep reaching a point where I think that I am beginning to feel better, and to get better, then all of this happens again. Why won't it stop? Why can I not have enough control over my own body and mind to make it stop? I feel so very helpless. Defeated by myself. How very pitiful. I have to go. XoXo. Bye.
Love always and forever,
Heather